August 15, 2013
0536
This morning, while I was revising
the poetry I’ve written so far, I came across No. 782, Corrupt Humanity. As I read this poem that I wrote four years
ago, it amazes me the transformation that God made not only in my heart, but
also in my mind. In it I write an
examination of people at church, saying that they’re all hypocrites. A lot of them said they would pray for me,
but I doubted that they actually did and most likely forget, because sometimes
I’ll forget as well. Of course, this is
still a small concern of mine: When somebody
tells me they’ll pray for me, I always wonder if they’re sincere with what they
said and will actually pray for me.
Anyway, continuing in the poem I complain about how people always smile
so much on Sundays, and I remember how annoyed I was with this at the time
because it seemed like a false happiness to me — to paint a smile on their face
every Sunday morning to give the false impression that everything in their life
is perfect. I’m not a morning person at
all, so my grumpiness probably played a factour in it as well. People would approach me before service and I
would ask, “How are you doing?” But I
really didn’t care how they were doing.
As an extreme introvert, I just really wanted them to leave me alone
because I was too tired and didn’t want to talk to anybody; I just wanted to
get the typical morning greetings over with.
And the poem continues.
As I look back on this, I see now
how much of a judgemental character I had and I realise how much darkness I had
inside of me. Why I felt this way, I am
not entirely sure. When I wrote this
poem I was two years into my faith, so I was still dealing with some darkness that
was within me. I always enjoyed the
sermons every morning, but dealing with all the smiling people around me was
just absolutely exasperating and I wasn’t there for that; I was simply there
for the knowledge of theology. I am
ashamed of this character that I possessed.
I don’t know how, but I see that throughout the years God has
transformed my heart into an utterly new creation. Perhaps as a prospecting pastor and my many
hours of study in His Word has caused the Holy Spirit to work in me and through
me and therefore change me.
Now, at this time in my life right
now as I sit here writing, I have a completely different mindset. I still go to church to learn theologically,
but even more so relationally now. When
I go to church now, I am at my happiest.
My grumpiness subsides and I experience so much joy for all my brethren
there. I greet them with hugs and smiles
and I am just so happy! Granted, I go to
a different church now, but they probably smile just as much as the people at
my old church did, if not more. Assuming
that they do, I just don’t acknowledge it anymore because I myself am so happy
to be there with people who love me and actually do pray for me when they say
they will. Four years ago, I had such a
darkness in my heart that I cannot define.
Now, I just have so much love and joy to offer people that I have
received from Christ.
I now have a new understanding of
Romans 12:2: Do not be conformed to this age, but be transformed by the renewing of
your mind, so that you may discern what is the good, pleasing, and perfect will
of God. Any person who walks into a
church who is not used to its welcoming and loving environment and doesn’t
truly know what God’s love feels or looks like will be just as annoyed by it as
I was, because it is alien to them since they are conformed to the world, and
as children of God we are not of the world.
Throughout the years, God has renewed my mind and my heart is therefore
transformed, and I am able now to discern God’s “good, pleasing, and perfect
will” much more readily than I was four years ago. Four
years! That is not a very long time
at all, yet in that short amount of time God found the tools, whatever they
were, to completely renew my mind and transform my heart in His Spirit. I am in complete awe of this and I praise
God! The darkness I felt then was such
an ugliness causing so much self-loathing that I’ve had to deal with throughout
the years and am just now overcoming.
For the first time in my life I am now beginning to feel love for myself
and for others in a selfless manner.
Praise be to our glorious God, whose love endures forever.
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