Memoir 11; Renewed Mind, Transformed Heart

August 15, 2013

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            This morning, while I was revising the poetry I’ve written so far, I came across No. 782, Corrupt Humanity.  As I read this poem that I wrote four years ago, it amazes me the transformation that God made not only in my heart, but also in my mind.  In it I write an examination of people at church, saying that they’re all hypocrites.  A lot of them said they would pray for me, but I doubted that they actually did and most likely forget, because sometimes I’ll forget as well.  Of course, this is still a small concern of mine:  When somebody tells me they’ll pray for me, I always wonder if they’re sincere with what they said and will actually pray for me.  Anyway, continuing in the poem I complain about how people always smile so much on Sundays, and I remember how annoyed I was with this at the time because it seemed like a false happiness to me — to paint a smile on their face every Sunday morning to give the false impression that everything in their life is perfect.  I’m not a morning person at all, so my grumpiness probably played a factour in it as well.  People would approach me before service and I would ask, “How are you doing?”  But I really didn’t care how they were doing.  As an extreme introvert, I just really wanted them to leave me alone because I was too tired and didn’t want to talk to anybody; I just wanted to get the typical morning greetings over with.  And the poem continues.

            As I look back on this, I see now how much of a judgemental character I had and I realise how much darkness I had inside of me.  Why I felt this way, I am not entirely sure.  When I wrote this poem I was two years into my faith, so I was still dealing with some darkness that was within me.  I always enjoyed the sermons every morning, but dealing with all the smiling people around me was just absolutely exasperating and I wasn’t there for that; I was simply there for the knowledge of theology.  I am ashamed of this character that I possessed.  I don’t know how, but I see that throughout the years God has transformed my heart into an utterly new creation.  Perhaps as a prospecting pastor and my many hours of study in His Word has caused the Holy Spirit to work in me and through me and therefore change me.

            Now, at this time in my life right now as I sit here writing, I have a completely different mindset.  I still go to church to learn theologically, but even more so relationally now.  When I go to church now, I am at my happiest.  My grumpiness subsides and I experience so much joy for all my brethren there.  I greet them with hugs and smiles and I am just so happy!  Granted, I go to a different church now, but they probably smile just as much as the people at my old church did, if not more.  Assuming that they do, I just don’t acknowledge it anymore because I myself am so happy to be there with people who love me and actually do pray for me when they say they will.  Four years ago, I had such a darkness in my heart that I cannot define.  Now, I just have so much love and joy to offer people that I have received from Christ.

            I now have a new understanding of Romans 12:2:  Do not be conformed to this age, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may discern what is the good, pleasing, and perfect will of God.  Any person who walks into a church who is not used to its welcoming and loving environment and doesn’t truly know what God’s love feels or looks like will be just as annoyed by it as I was, because it is alien to them since they are conformed to the world, and as children of God we are not of the world.  Throughout the years, God has renewed my mind and my heart is therefore transformed, and I am able now to discern God’s “good, pleasing, and perfect will” much more readily than I was four years ago.  Four years!  That is not a very long time at all, yet in that short amount of time God found the tools, whatever they were, to completely renew my mind and transform my heart in His Spirit.  I am in complete awe of this and I praise God!  The darkness I felt then was such an ugliness causing so much self-loathing that I’ve had to deal with throughout the years and am just now overcoming.  For the first time in my life I am now beginning to feel love for myself and for others in a selfless manner.  Praise be to our glorious God, whose love endures forever.

Memoir 10, Dealing With Loneliness

July 24, 2013

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            Single women who possess no romantic interest in me whatsoever will ask me, “Why are you single?” as if I’m this amazing guy who should have a girlfriend.  I answer them with complete honesty, “I really do not know.”  Maybe I’m not attractive enough, maybe I’m not talkative enough; it could be any number of reasons.  Every relationship I’ve had has met with colossal failure, and any attempt I’ve made at having a relationship or even going on a date since my last relationship two years ago has also met with colossal failure.  For many years I have had this endless hope that I would find a phenomenal woman of God that I’d be blessed to spend the rest of my life with.  And I had right reasons to believe so.  I used to believe that I’m reasonably attractive, and I am still aware of my sharp intelligence and the admirable qualities of my life ambitions as well as my great faith in Christ.  However, that hope has now vanished.  I’ve had many conversations with people about God having a plan for the right woman for me.  They’d list many reasons why I’m compatible for the right woman:  that I’m an attractive, intelligent young man of God with great ambitions.  I used to believe that those qualities were enough for a woman to be even remotely attracted to me, but nowadays, not so much.  In everything my faith in God is unshakable, but I admit that I’ve lost my faith in Him blessing me with a woman of His name.  He has revealed many amazing things to me in His proper timing due to my patience, but I am struggling with this one thing.  He knows I suffer with loneliness, and yet I remain alone.

            It is true that with Christ we are never alone.  However, God designed us to desire and to have tangible relationships not just with people but also with somebody of the opposite sex in an intimate and even marital relationship.  Jesus Christ completes us, but there are other things in life that complete us as well.  A good career, stable finances, and the love of your life are among those things

Memoir 9, Being With God

July 6, 2013

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I spent the first sixteen years of my life separated from God.  Of course, as an infant and toddler you can’t be guilty of that.  I estimate that around the age of five you have the cognitive ability to understand God in a small way and make the decision to accept Christ.  So, if we want to be technical here, I’d say that I spent eleven years separated from God, from when I was five to sixteen-years-old, getting saved at seventeen.  I’m six years into my faith now — just six short years.  It feels a lot longer than that, though.  In that short time, however, God has revealed things to me that I never anticipated to know, and He has set the course of my life on several amazing journeys, especially now as a prospecting pastor about to start my undergrad.  In just four years after giving myself to Christ, God revealed to me His plan for me to be a pastor and the necessary steps to take in order to get there.  At times I feel that I’m not worthy of this great calling, although I am grateful for it.  I have Christian friends who’ve been in the faith much longer than I have, and yet God has bestowed upon me this calling of being a pastor.  As I write this God is telling me that it is not the quantity of faith, but the quality of faith.  God doesn’t qualify the called; He calls the qualified.  But I wonder what makes me so “qualified?”  Yes, I take pride in my faith and it is better than most peoples’ faith I know, which I do not take comfort in but am rather disturbed by it.  At first glance my faith is great, but I fall back into sin just like anybody else, yet God not only forgives me every time but still holds on to this calling.

So I grow ever more curious of just what His purpose for me is.  What great accomplishments does He have in store for me?  I have goals, I have visions — I have dreams I wish to achieve for the sake of God’s people.  For the longest time I’ve seen myself the head of an organisation that takes in abused and troubled children and educates them spiritually and maybe even academically.  I am no intellectual of business, so I have no idea how this would be achieved.  Whether this is just a desire of mine or something God has placed into my heart to achieve, I do not know.  Perhaps it is because my confidence in achieving this is lacking, which I see now is a problem with trust in God.  I just don’t know if He wants me to do this.  If it is, I’m sure He’ll reveal to me in time how I’m supposed to achieve it.  I have this overwhelming desire to preach to youth, from children to college age, especially the younger ones approaching or already in their adolescent years.  Adolescence is such a fragile state of faith, for in adolescence we are just formulating a sense of independence and identity.  Because we are searching for this new independence and identity at this age, far too often does the teenager decide to become independent of God and not gain their identity in Christ.  That was me for most of my adolescent years, for I was seventeen when I came to Christ — the brink of adolescence, just approaching adulthood.  I can understand where each of these kids are coming from and I just desire to preach to and guide each one of them.

I’ve spent more years of my life away from God than I have with Him, yet God has this great plan for me.  Not including infancy and toddler stages, I’ve spent 11 years away from Christ and 6 years with Him.  I always wonder where I’ll be at in my faith and in life after 11 years being with Him, then 16, then twenty…  I suppose this is what makes God so amazing, that it doesn’t matter how long you’ve known Him; the only thing that really matters is the quality of your faith in Him.  This quality cannot be calculated.  Only God knows the exact amount of your faith, and if it is great, He’ll probably let you know.  I’ve always had such a strong desire to increase my knowledge in God’s Word, which is probably why the past six years seem so much longer because of all the knowledge God has given me already.  Time certainly flies when you invest all or most of your time in God, and I can now agree that life is, indeed, short.  It’s strange thinking I’m already 23-years-old, almost a quarter of a century, and even stranger thinking that it’s only been six years since I’ve known Christ and that it seems much longer than that.  Maybe it’s the quality of my faith that distorts the time.  I have come to personally know Him so well in just this short amount of time that it doesn’t seem like it took six short years to know Him this well.  Basically what I’m saying is that what takes some people ten or fifteen years or even a lifetime to know about Him on a personal level has only taken me six years.  I’m sure others can relate to this.  This is a great sense of accomplishment for me not so I can gloat about it, but on a personal level because of how miserable I was for all those years.  I don’t boast about my faith; I boast about Jesus Christ and His amazing love and God’s awesome power.

Memoir 8, All I Need Is God

July 4, 2013

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In my adolescent years, I was so desperate for attention and recognition — thinking only of myself and wishing to become someone.  That’s the problem with American society today; we grow up believing that we have to be well known whether it be honourable fame or something of notoriety because of the attention that celebrities and politicians get.  Celebrities and politicians lead such narcissistic lives, even when they portray otherwise, and surround themselves with so much drama and because they are in the public eye, for some dastardly strange reason we are attracted to their dramas and misfortunes.  Because they receive this attention and so many people love them with an equal amount of people hating them, we grow up believing in this culture that that is the only way to matter.

I like to believe that I lead a humble life now.  I care not for recognition for my achievements and talents anymore like I did then, and it really was not that long ago.  Leading a life in Christ, I care only about serving Him and others, and I care not if I am given a spotlight for my kindness and my achievements.  That “reward” is only temporary, and my ultimate reward is in Heaven.  Only a few years ago did I have a strong desire to be recognised for my musical talent on saxophone.  My closest friends who were saxophonists received recognition above me time and time again, and I was deeply depressed by it.  I desired so much to be recognised above my peers, and not making it into the Michigan Honour Band simply because my tone was “too bright” didn’t help either.  So my self-esteem was at a consistent low.  It wasn’t until I was accepted into the U.S. Army Bands after passing my audition when I finally gained some recognition, but it didn’t last, for I had to leave in seven months.  Interestingly enough, my desire for recognition faded after that because I was so focused on my service in the army, but the desire came back when I still could not be recognised as a great saxophonist among my colleagues at one point.  I grew up being told by my parents and teachers and friends that I’m a great musician, but I never saw a reason to believe that.  Their words were not out of blind kindness either because I was in my high school’s top band and above that I was a professional musician for three years and gained recognition among my colleagues for a time in the army bands.  It wasn’t until my last year and a half when that recognition faded, and after I got out I realised that it was because of indolence.  I had stopped putting myself out there; I had simply stopped caring.

And now, for the past seven months, recognition has been the least of my concerns.  I don’t want the attention anymore.  When you have all the attention, you are only looked upon in shame when you do something wrong, no matter how small it is.  That’s not why I don’t want attention anymore, though, but that definitely makes it less appealing.  These past seven months have been some of the most I’ve submitted myself to Christ, and it is He who should get all the attention and recognition, not me.  I got out of military service because God commanded me to do so in order that I may go to school, become a pastor, and preach His Word and help those in desperate need.  Since I’ve gotten out, I’ve been dedicating so much of my time in prayer, worship, fellowship, and studies to grow closer and closer to Christ.  There have been plenty of times in my faith when I’ve spent a lot of time in each of these attributes, but these past several months have been more extreme than those times, I think.  No, not more extreme, just Christ doing a lot more work in me because of the more pure sincerity I have in doing so.  The more the days go by, the less I think of myself.  I’ve always been so selfish.  I’ve desired recognition above my peers in many aspects and I’ve always desired a romantic relationship.  I don’t care about any of those anymore.  Whenever I receive recognition from somebody, I find myself giving the praise and glory to God, for it truly goes to Him.  As far as a romantic relationship, as I have recently stopped caring about that, I desire it less and less.  Should God decide to bring a Christlike woman into my life sooner or later, then I will praise His glorious name.  But all I want is to know Christ more and more so that I can help reveal His love to all people.

Recognition is fleeting, but my God is eternal.  In God’s eyes, I am held in high regards, although I don’t deserve to be.  When I feel lame, God says I’m awesome.  When I’m feeling lonely, Christ is there beside me.  When I feel stupid, God reveals to me my intelligence.  When I feel like a failure, God forgives my trespasses and blesses me with wisdom through my humility.  When I feel sad, I rejoice in the Lord and He gives me joy.  When I’m angry, the Holy Spirit calms me.  When I feel unlovable, God envelops me with His Spirit because I am loved, and always will be.  You see, all I need is God.  I don’t need the fleeting recognition of man or the fictions of flimsy romance.  All I need is my God who is my Rock and my refuge.  The Lord sustains me, and I give Him all the glory.  I give Him my life’s servitude.